Thursday, June 16, 2011

Losing It

Its sad to observe a once healthy mind slowly succumb to memory loss. Its a helpless feeling, and I'm not talking about the one who's losing her memory, I'm talking about ME!
I'm losing it! (my sanity)
She's losing it! (her memory)
My mom is 67 years young and mostly healthy. Mom has battled short term memory loss for the past few years, with a pretty significant increase in confusion over these last few months. While she's still mostly independent, I've begun to help her manage her medications and her fiances to a large degree. I'm on all her HIPAA forms, and she needs someone to go with her to all doc visits. Mom stays moderately active and remains involved in church activities, where she has a second family willing to love and guide her through this transition of her life. But its clear that we'll soon be paving the way for the next step in "memory care" life requirements.
For my own mental health, I've decided that I'm putting my vulnerable stuff out there....and no one reads this blog anyhow, so I can just do some writing and sounding off all at once.
The most prominent part of my personality could be called the CRITICAL PARENT. She says, "Quit whining about having to take care of your mom. It could be worse, so knock off the bellyaching and get on with it!" A less prominent part of my personality that people don't often see is the CLUELESS 12 yr old who just wants someone to hold her hand while they guide her through this crazy thing called life. I hide her out of necessity. She doesn't fit into the world because the world tells her to buck up and dig deep to be strong from within 'self'. But even this clueless 12 yr old knows she can't do it herself.
I sometimes feel like I'm losing my own sanity as I step in to help my mom deal with her memory loss and its life changing consequences. As a Christ follower, I don't think Jesus wants me to lose myself or my peace of mind as a result of taking care of "others", so I lean even more heavily on Him to guide me to know how the heck I'm gonna manage all this without indeed losing myself.
I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and this is only the beginning! Even so, I know I'm not alone, I have my Savior right here all the time. And God has given me Jeff, who is a downright ROCK for me when it comes to dealing with my mom. Then there's a long list of others who are there as well...siblings, best girlfriends, church family..... so many to have by my side - while I'm losing it.

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